I told you guys that I have been experiencing heavy anxiety. *deep sigh* I am getting better. Yesterday and today have been much better days for me as I have been practicing much more intentional mirror work and deep breathing exercises. I have been doing a lot to connect back to myself and to those things that are simple and bring me much joy like riding my bike. I have been having a lot of revelations about my self during this time and, mostly, these revelations have been regarding the unknown and how the unknown terrifies me. The current space that I am residing in is mostly that - the unknown. Everything currently is about the unknown. This pandemic and what the future holds before us is also the unknown and I will be honest that this terrifies me immensely. The unknown has always been that for me since the beginning of time, as early as my childhood where I experienced panic attacks surrounding death and what happens after it. This has always been a question in my mind that has haunted me in ways I could never explain. My mind would get the best of me, take me through pictorials relating to death eventually flashing to black. That was my subconscious indicator that nothing happens after death. At that moment, I would experience the most devastating panic attacks ever due to the pitch black that I would see at the end of those visions. It scared me to death. No one could explain what I was feeling. I felt alone. I felt terrified. Over the years, I would experience this until I became an adult with very mild episodes from time to time. Eventually, they faded away. I have only experienced one episode in my thirties but now, I am feeling it again but in a much more intense and unique way. It is manifesting into my physical body. There are no visions. It simply shows up in the form of anxiety. The root of this anxiety, I have had to be honest with. It all stems, for sure, from my fear of the unknown. I like to know what lies ahead. I like to be able to have some since of what is next. Today, there are a lot of unknowns in my life and in general with this pandemic. This pandemic has definitely triggered and brought to surface a lot of these things surrounding the unknown in areas that I thought I have dealt with or have forgotten. They have been coming up for me to face and reflect upon for once and for all.
This weekend, I took a boat ride and jumped into the Atlantic ocean courtesy of Danny with Roots Collective. He was our captain and tour guide. It was the talk that I had with him that inspired me to do the unthinkable, something that I would never dare to do which was to jump into the ocean. The ocean? Hell nah! What the fuck is in it? What the hell is down there? That scares me in more ways than I could ever explain but I did it! I spent this Sunday rising on the ocean with my two daughters, Laiya and Milan, my brother Jas and my two nieces, Jasmine and Reagan, as a birthday gift to my youngest daughter, Milan. I wanted to manifest for her what she had requested which was a boat ride with her closest people. So, that is exactly what we did and it turned out to be exactly what we all needed. Danny took us out sight seeing in the Atlantic Ocean where we explored the beauty of the nearby waters of my home - Miami. We started near the Key Biscayne at the Boater's Grill. As we headed out, we were still somewhat close to land but far enough to see the vastness that is the ocean. We rode by the stilt houses that were once clubs back in the day but eventually were closed down due to many deaths that had taken place there. From there, we rode over to a small island where impromptuly got ourselves jet skis and went jet skiing. It was amazing and I will say, it was a HUGE adrenaline rush and totally far from the plan that day. I was so afraid to fall off the jetski yet I push through moments of fear with pure courage and pressed down hard on the gas speeding forward. The adrenaline I felt was worth every moment of that experience. I pulled cards for myself and for Danny because it felt right to do so. I love the cards that I pulled for each of us. They were extremely affirmative. I shared with him where I was in life and the anxiety that I had been experiencing regarding the unknown. He shared with me that life had made him see things from an opposite perspective in which he embraces the unknown. That interaction and conversation was everything and all that I needed that day. I need to embrace the unknown. We all spent our last few minutes on the island before taking off and unanchoring the boat to head towards our next destination. It was my time of the month so I had to do very weird and awkward positioning to make sure that I was able to change myself without being seen and without littering. That was a hell of an experience. Yea - too much information but 'tis is life. Get over it.
From there, we rode over to an open space out in the ocean and this is where I faced my fear and dived into it. It was only after Danny had given me gargles, that were like a face mask that covered my entire face, that I decided to get in. It had an attachment at the top that allowed me to breathe although I had to stay at the surface in order to do so. This, however, for me was a critical moment. I jumped in as my brother, Jas, sat there calm prompting to do it and get it over with. It was his calmness and his presence that gave me the final push. I was happy that he was there with us. I fought myself for a little and verbalized what I was experiencing. Yea - being a wimp. Then, eventually, just like that, I jumped in and faced my fear. It wasn't as bad as I thought but whenever I got a little scared, I went back into the boat. And, of course, when I was in the water, I stayed as close to the boat as possible. But I do want to point out something here, and that was the gargles that Danny gave me. I later had a conversation with God, my higher self, asking for gargles in life that would allow me to see in this same way. Maybe not so far ahead but at least what was directly in front of me - just like the gargles. This would at least help me to move with less anxiety. I believe this what I have asked for is clarity. I am still seeking this clarity but I love the analogy that these gargles afforded me. They allowed me to be able to see and to be able to ask more clearly for what it is that I need at this time. I am trusting the process and this is the first time in my life that I have had to trust so much more than ever before. This time, what I am having faith about includes more than myself, it includes the faith of all mankind and where the future of this earth holds for us. So, yea, that experience was all that I needed as I reflected on our way back to shore. I felt extremely good about this day, the hope in myself and my ability to face the unknown even while it makes me afraid. I think that we all could learn from this as I am sure so many of us are experiencing the same. Have hope and remain positive. It is all that we can do now.
On our way back to shore, I had selected music that allowed me to go into full meditation and prayer to the most High and in homage of this experience. Some of the music in which we listened to was Fela Kuti, Roy Ayers, Bob Marley, Coco & Clair, The Internet and SahBabii. I am a bit ying yang so the music in which I chose reflected that as such, as well as the need to honor the Gen Zers that shared the boat with us. I acknowledge God and our ancestors through meditation, prayer, dance and by pouring libations of a tea that I had prepared earlier in the day for myself into the ocean.
The tea was prepared with the following ingredients: blue butterfly pea, licorice, passionflower, lemongrass, lemon peel, lemon verbena, chamomile, eluthero, lemon balm, oatstraw and scullcap.
I thanked the Gods of the sun and of the water. I thanked the Creator. I thanked the ancestors. In that moment, I was eternally grateful. I danced in honor of them. I spoke tongues to speak their language. And, I poured libations to honor their existence. All of these existences are the reasons in which we are able to existence and thrive on this earth. Today, I am still eternally grateful.
When we got to shore, we took turmeric and ginger shots to salute ourselves and our arrival back to land. This was the most amazing day ever that ended with dinner at Monty's near the ocean. If you have taken anything from this post, it should be that it is ok to vulnerable about the things that you are experiencing as someone else is experiencing it right along with you. Find those things that help you to move through these very heavy emotions and feelings. For me, I am learning to disconnect and go inward, tending to myself. Self-love and self-care are optimally important at this time so please continue to take care of yourselves and to put yourself first. I wish you all the best and much good health and protection.