When did life get so fucking serious?

When did life get so fucking serious? Bruh - I have had to breath and intentionally breath a whole lot these days to get my shit in order and to maintain that order.

I am feeling A LOT.

I think what I want most at this time is to be able to be and exist as my most authentic self, stripped from any labels and/or expectations of the world around us. I want to be in such a way that I can exist without the anxiety that the uncertainty of this system has created. I have come to the understanding that this place - it is a mental asylum and everything about it is designed to incite sickness, depression and anxiety. Honestly, I want it all to coming crashing down and to go back to the simple living that our ancestors had before we had been stripped away of our identity, traditions and cultures. There are ways, I am sure, that we could live life in much less complicated ways. Yet, here in this place we have created a reality in which we thrive off of external competition, validation and capitalism. For most of this year and last, but especially this year, this is extremely out of alignment with me and my soul. In fact, I felt this when I became a full time teacher. It was during my last year of teaching, in 2018, that I came to terms with the realization that working to slave was no lifestyle for me. It was in complete contrary to my existence. Even as an entrepreneur, I find great misalignment with this capitalistic system - call me lazy, who cares. My spirit speaks to me very loud and when I fail to listen, I get sick or have very unpleasant experiences. And, so, that is exactly what happened to me during my last year of teaching. I got sick and almost died, literally, before the year was through. I felt it killing me slow as everything about it, other than being able to serve as a major impact on the youth of my community, conflicted with everything that I am and everything that I stood for.

Fast forward to today. This year has been deep. It has been real. And, if it has taught us anything, it has taught us that we are our priority and that our health and state of mind are the most important possessions that we have. Should shit go down, we will only be left with that. When physical life ends, that is all we shall have. These physical things mean nothing. While they are amazing to have and experience, that is all that they are - things. I suppose everything is a thing at some point when you think about it, even us. Yet, I digress. It is weird to exist in a world where many are unable to connect or even comprehend in and within this experience in this way. I guess, too, at one point, I was the same. You know what they say though, once your mind has been expanded, there is no going back. I mean, I guess you could since anything is possible but it would take an extreme submission and a lot of work. Maybe it is easier to let someone else think for you rather than to think for yourself. Certainly, it is easier to exist without a knowing or truly being present in this experience. It is definitely a hell of a lot of work to be awakened to your own truth and to move through your shadows. Why would you want to do that? Sometimes, I will be honest that my mind is so expanded that I fear my own self and the capabilities that I have. I fear truth while also seeking it. It's wild. 

I remember being a little girl in church and asking myself questions because a lot of what was being taught made no sense to me. I mean, I was like 10? What the hell did I know? All I knew is that my soul was conflicted with what it was that I was hearing. There was a lot of truth, yes, but then there was some things that would blow my mind. Of course then, I had no idea what was happening or the reasoning to be able to decipher what resonated and to leave the rest. I just knew that I had questions that weren't being answered or had huge internal conflict with things being said. And since everyone went along with it, I had no one to talk to. I figured maybe it was right and I was wrong yet something in me knew that I was right. I struggled with this for a long time because the church taught us that it was wrong to question God although I have been questioning God since I got here. Like a scientist, I've always asked questions. I always needed to know so on many occasions I've cursed God and demanded that "he" showed me the truth. I feel like ever since then, and even those moments today, my mind continues to expand and truth is constantly revealed to me. Or, at least my truth. It seems like a never ending process and I know even after knowing so much that I still know nothing.

I always share with you all what I am sensing but I feel like it has been very surface level. Honestly, I've often been afraid to really show this side of me in depth in fear of judgment but now - who the fuck cares? Really. It is entirely wrong and an injustice to myself to hold back the pieces of me that make up who I am. It is a disservice to my own soul and being. So, no more surface level shit when it comes to my spirituality or my existence at all. My existence is counting on my authenticity and although you may feel that I have been - you are on the outside looking in. I struggled with my self-worth and self-value for a very long time. I lacked boundaries. I have struggled with my truth. I have struggled with what others may think should I show these parts of me that are unconventional or non-traditional. I feared being myself in its entirety. But if I have learned anything, it has been to be myself even if what that is may be opposing to some or even many. It is my only responsibility to love me and to act in love. I have no desire to please anyone anymore. If I have learned anything from the Bible, that is my take away from Jesus. Being love is all that I can be and all that I will be. However, I will take no shit and will exercise my right to expression and pure authenticity regardless of how others may feel about it.

So, what have I been sensing: 

Anxiety. Pure fucking anxiety. 

Meditation is only surface level for me at this point. I am ready to dive deeper and to completely submit and surrender to this universal experience. To serve. To be authentic. To show up in full gear and armor. To be loud, live and in color while also having the wisdom to know when to be silent and to listen. The energy I feel compels me to submit to something deeper than the ego. Something deeper than myself. Something beyond the external. A pure, solid and disciplined connection with myself, nature and the divine.

I sense that we are all feeling this. Some of us hear it very loud and are in action or in practice, some of us hear it in whispers, while others hear it and ignore it. Then, there are those who are completely unaware. All I know is that you better ground yourself in something. In these coming days, you shall need it.

Plan, prepare, be ready - for whatever.

These past two Aquarius full moons have brought in some powerful energies of rebelliousness and free thought. If you were already a free-thinker, well, then these thoughts have been intensified. For me, I have been working to break certain patterns that I have been carrying with me since childhood. I have been seeing and healing parts of me that no longer serve me at this time, finding the root of which they began. Becoming awakened to parts of myself that are older versions that I am somehow and for some reason still holding onto. Meanwhile, the sun in Virgo have been making me feel this serious desire to get organized and to shed those things that I have been holding onto like a bag lady physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, environmentally - in all ways. The organization inspires my ability to create, to hear and to fulfill my highest capacity. The organization that I seek is mainly in my mind and in my home. 

My spiritual beliefs that have been rooted in Christianity is the main culprit and basis of the things in which I seek to shed. Here, though, I shall digress til the next time.

If you have read this far, you are the real MVP. If I shall leave you with anything today, it is to live each day as if it were your last. Really live and work to shed those things that are taking away from your happiness. You deserve to experience pure bliss while on earth. You are worthy. So, let us find ways to do more of what we love and to laugh more. For me, I have lost this nature somewhat do to the seriousness of life, so I am finding more ways to tap back into that child as to take life less serious in all of its seriousness. One thing for me is riding my bike. It is fun and exercises my body all in one. Most importantly, really keep this one, I've said it before and often times - prioritize your health. Prioritize yourself. We are all here on our own journey. The only person that you can save is yourself. This is a very painful truth, at least for me. Honestly, I have had to seek therapy for my extreme love for the external beings outside of me. I have had to make a conscious decision to shift this extreme life for the external inwardly. I suggest to you and to myself, that we lead by example with hope that it will guide others to the promise land. It is universal law that we are unable to interfere with the will of others. We have free will. For the sake of your own mental and emotional health, exercise your own free will and focus on self. Focus only on what you want. Yes, this is a practice and training of the mind. It is the mind that is creating this experience. This is my truth. If we can comprehend this, then we will understand that together we are creating this experience. And, if we can comprehend that, then will can understand that we can create the experience that we want. Let that sink in. Shit - I am still letting that sink in. 

Keep breathing and making your spiritual health a priority as well. Honestly, make your overall health a priority. Wherever you lack, focus on that.

 

Be easy,

RIMIDI

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